Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Hurray! Gargamel Is Finally Dead!

It’s getting so difficult on trying to filter the news being told to us about what really happened in the Osama bin Laden assassination, that it takes a truth filter to run the story through as to separate the fact from the fiction. So, here’s the “unconfirmed” real story of what “might have happened” as could be determined by how the mainstream press reported it.

Acting on news from the elves at the North Pole (who were in their Christmas offseason), the Smurfs were finally in a position to take out Gargamel. It seems that the leprechauns, riding unicorns into battle, took the north side of Pakistan. Their distraction allowed the Smurfs to storm the Mc Donaldland territory of Pakistan. Once the Smurfs got past the forest of the talking trees, the tooth fairy waved her wand and the magic password appeared, showing them where Gargamel was hiding out. Once inside, Papa Smurf asked the Trix Rabbit if that indeed was Gargamel. The Trix Rabbit said that it was.

Gargamel was standing next to Cap’n Crunch, whom was extolling the virtues of 40 plus years of staying crunchy, even in milk. The double agent elves of the North Pole (Snap, Crackle, and Pop) were trying to alert Gargamel that he was in immediate danger. They were detained by Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, who was suspecting the three rogue elves might be involved in protecting Gargamel.

Meanwhile, Papa Smurf alerted the Super Friends at the Hall of Justice. Wendy and Marvin came storming in behind Aquaman, who was riding a giant seahorse and blowing out commands through a large conch shell. Gargamel exclaimed and swallowed a jumbo Gobstopper, which had just turned to the color yellow, and it choked him to death. This time, no one was there to apply the Heimlich technique to save Gargamel, whom had a track record of choking on Gobstoppers, according to the Federation of Bullies and Instigators’ own records.

Green Lantern beamed Gargamel into a detaining casket, which was created by his ring. He then flew up and into outer space, where the Starship Enterprise was waiting for them. There, Green Lantern and his detainee were brought on board, greeted by the ship’s crew and the other Super Friends. Gargamel was shot into space (as they once did to Spock) and the world cheered on that the dreaded Gargamel was no longer a threat.

The government of the United States of Disneyland did issue a warning though. The bad guys were still out there. They had intelligence that the nemesis of Simba had faked his own death, and that Scar was getting ready to lead a larger offensive against the Disneyland citizens.

Unfortunately, if this makes any sense to you, then you obviously have bought into one of the multitude of official stories the mainstream media has been passing off as real news.

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